Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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