DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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