i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
