after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
