My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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