My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
