I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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