did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
