You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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