While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
