I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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