hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Randomize
