Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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