Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
