New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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