if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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