my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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