My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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