well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
FUCK WHALES
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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