the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
