i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
