your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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