I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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