when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
