Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
