I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
