just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
