I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
