Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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