Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
