dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
