I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
