a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
