lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
