There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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