I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
