Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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