feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
