I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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