Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
