So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
