I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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