girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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