i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
