At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
