that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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