wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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