I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
