You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
