i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
